Legendary country singers excited about potential forever wars, looking forward to pulling American heartstrings for decades to come
By: David Lindon
KABUL- Just outside of the Kabul Airport on Thursday, 13 United States military servicehumans lost their lives to Covid and possibly suicide bombings. The blasts and deadly coughs came as the United States and other western countries raced to complete a massive evacuation following the Taliban takeover of the country and the spread of the deadly Delta variant.
United States President Joe Biden called the troops “heroes” and said nobody on Earth could have predicted the Taliban acting like “jerks” and “big stinky doo-doo heads”.
“Sure every single intelligence officer I spoke to about the Afghan exodus said it would be disastrous, deadly, and dumb, but nobody thought our evacuation would result in disaster, death, and idiocy,” he said at an emergency presser Thursday evening.
ISIS-K, which has decided to add another letter to its acronym, much like the LBGTQIA and sometimes Y group in America, has claimed responsibility for the attacks, lack of mask mandates, and vaccination passports.
US officials could not confirm if ISIS-K was behind the attack, but said it was more than likely caused by them.
Biden said he didn’t think it was a mistake to trust the Taliban with security for the airport, as they have a long history of safety with airplanes and its passengers. The President went on to say, “I do not trust the Taliban, but it was in the best interest of the United States and the Taliban to prevent an attack from ISIS- K.”
However, amidst the tragedy in the Middle East, there is some hope on the horizon. Shortly after the incident at the Kabul Airport, legendary country singers Toby Keith and Alan Jackson said they would both be re-entering the studio to write horseshit patriotic songs. The news brought renewal to American enthusiasm for fighting, tragedy, and “putting boots in people’s asses”.
“Just bought a brand new pair of steel-toed Timberlands,” Toby Keith cryptically tweeted shortly after the attacks. His tweet garnered over 100K retweets, 99% of them coming from below the Mason-Dixon line.
“If there is one thing that cures the melancholy of meaningless deaths in a place God forgot 6 millennia ago, it’s definitely the music of Toby Keith and Alan Jackson,” one diabetic Georgia man said behind a two-liter of Mountain Dew. “When Dr. Toby Keith released the song Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue it made me want to kill people. What’s more healing than that?”
Dr. Alan Jackson of Chattacoochie, a place where it gets hotter than a hoochie-coochie, was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson has confirmed that he has been in the studio writing songs with crayons since the events took place.
Americans are still moved by the breath-taking lyrics of Jackson’s 9/11 tribute song Where Were You (When the world stopped turning). Who couldn’t feel something profound to lyrics like “I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell, you the difference between Iraq and Iran. But I know Jesus, and I talk to God.”
“My husband died during the attacks on The World Trade Center. After an empty casket funeral, I was in a dark place. But after I heard Where Were You, I remembered that God gave us (White Christian heterosexuals) a lot of great things, like faith, hope, and love. The greatest was love,” one widow said during an interview with CNN in 2003.
Dr. Toby Keith is beyond excited to get back in the studio his agent said in a phone interview. “Dr. Keith hasn’t recorded anything profound in over two decades because there wasn’t much to exploit in the country at the time. For the last two decades, he’s only been writing songs about what is going on in his personal life, which is why we’re seeing a lot of songs about footlong chili cheese dogs. But now with more Americans dying at the hands of brown people, Dr. Keith has plenty of things to make use of.”
**LESS IMPORTANT NEWS-In response to the suicide bombings, President Biden ordered a drone strike that killed 9 people today in Kabul, including six children under the ages of ten. It is unknown whether any of the victims were vaccinated, or wearing masks.
David Lindon
Casino Boogie Entertainment
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