By: Will M. "Duh" Foe
Dude, you should have seen it. Chris Christie sat on a mobile scooter the entire time.
CASINO BOOGIE ENTERTAINMENT (CBE)- Milwaukee, Wisconsin
"What debate?”
Millions of Americans skipped last night's Republican Primary Debate for Secondary Nominees. With former President Trump leading most polls by more than 50%, nobody was interested in watching the silver medal game on the flailing Fox News network. The debate was so unwatched and forgettable that both fact and fiction are impossible to distinguish from each other. I’m not sure how much of this article is actually true.
“Mike Pence sneezed with both eyes open.”
However insignificant the event in Milwaukee, Wisconsin might have been, there is one thing to remember. If something happens to the former President, one of these people will be the Republican nominee. So here’s what I heard about what happened last night from an intern who watched ironically.
One Clear Winner
“A whole new world. A dazzling place, you never knew.”
For the 4000 in attendance, and dozens watching at home, there was one candidate who stood out ahead of the rest. Vivek Ramaswamy, the 38-year-old entrepreneur, and first-time candidate was a central figure of the night. With his powerful musings and brash, youthful leadership, he charmed the audience and two snakes in a wicker basket during the course of the debate.
The one-time longshot has surged in the polls (still well behind Trump), largely because of his strong appearances on media platforms that are not in the stages of agonal gasping. The Fox News debate served as a good springboard for the rising star to grab the baggy eyes that watch the channel. Barring dementia or death, he may have grabbed some votes in 2028.
He used his inexperience as a strength, and not a weakness, staying one jump ahead of the competition. Ramaswamy held his own when sparring with seasoned veterans like former VP Pence, and seasoned hams like Chris Christie. He spoke fervently about imagining a new world for America.
The rookie's biggest quarrel of the night was with the former VP over what a president's capabilities actually entail, alluding to the role the intelligence agencies play over the Commander-in-Chief. Pence stated, “You’re wrong. I’ve been in the West Wing. The President has to address every single crisis in the country.” Vivek replied, “I can show you the world, Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me, Pencey, when did you last let your heart decide? ” Former Vice President Pence ended the back and forth with Vivek by calling him a street rat, and threatened to behead him if he ever stole bread in a marketplace.
RON DEFLATFISH
The one-time front-runner for a post-Trump Presidential candidate floundered in the first debate. He took the stage with the same recycled, pandering script he’s been using for the last two years: the woke blah, America in decline blah, Covid, blah, blah, blah. The Governor of Florida did nothing to distinguish himself from the others and didn’t look like the leader some had come to expect.
“I’ll have a slice if everybody is having one.”
His biggest blunder occurred when Fox News host, Brett Maier asked the stage to raise their hand if they wanted a pizza. Desantis waited until the crowd cheered to the already raised hands to raise his- a move that looked like someone who wanted to have a slice or two but not pay for the pie itself.
The American people deserve better.
OTHER TAKEAWAYS
Nikki Haley showed her supporters why she was voted “most likely to have the same name as a road-rashed pornstar” in high school.
The button on Chris Christie’s pants held strong for the entirety of the debate.
With former President Trump’s polling, and interview with Tucker Carlson completely eclipsing the debate, it looks certain that he will be the Republican nominee again. However, Casino Boogie will begrudgingly continue to follow the developments in the losers' bracket until the consolation ribbons are handed out.
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