"Turn your head to the right and give me a big cough”
By: Kai Lee-Jenner
CASINO BOOGIE (CBE)- Starting in the 2024 season, the NFL will begin using hernia evaluation tents, according to a report from the Washing TonguePost. The hernia tent, which has been nicknamed the NutHut, hopes to follow the success of the NFL's concussion tent, which was implemented in 2017.
The tent, which isn’t as much of a tent as it is a curtain cut off at the waist, will debut on August 1st, during the Hall of Fame Game in Canton, Ohio. Teams for the game and the 2024 schedule have not been announced yet.
“Hernia’s are a major part of the modern NFL. These guys sacrifice their bodies week in-week out. They’re constantly straining and lifting heavy objects. Player safety is the number one priority in this league,” said Dr. Holden Balzac, Chief Medical Officer of the NFL at an event over the weekend.
The most common type of hernia is an inguinal hernia, which occurs when a part of the intestine or abdominal tissue pushes through an area of the abdomen wall near the groin. The standard medical procedure for diagnosing a hernia involves a medical professional examining the groin and scrotal area. The patient stands up, lifts his chin, drops his trousers and the doctor searches for a bulge. Doctors call the search for a bulge Tara Reid’ing, named after the actress from Van Wilder and other things I’m sure. If the doctor suspects a hernia, he/she then cups the gonads and asks the patient to turn their head and cough.
“The NFL, the NFLPA, and our Chief Medical Teams have ensured these hernia tests are going to be professional, and non-invasive. That’s why the tests will happen behind a waist-high curtain. Imagine changing clothes behind a beach towel in a parking lot. Sufficient privacy. The players are in good hands. Good, soft, and frigid hands,” -Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner.
While the league is optimistic the new player safety protocol will have a positive effect on the league, some players have voiced concerns.
Star cornerback of the Green Bay Packers, Jaire Alexander, was leery of the new safety protocol saying, “I already get my bean bag cupped at the beginning of the year when we do our physical. Why do I need this to happen again? I ain’t ever had no hernia.”
“I’m not sure I feel comfortable having my testicles touched in front of 70,000 fans,” Travis Kelce of the Nine Teen 89ers (Taylor’s Version).
The league remains confident that all doubts will be answered when players realize how casual the exams will be. It is league code that doctors will have to wait three days to call the player back to see how they’re doing and to schedule any further dates, or appointments. Staying the night is also optional.
“Players are always going to be skeptical when new safety protocols are introduced. We can assure them this will not threaten the integrity of the game. Fans can also rest assured that the product on the field will not change,” - Dr. Balzac concluded.
“A concussion is a permanent, long-term injury. A hernia is a minor setback. I can’t understand why this is necessary," Kirk Cousins of the Minnesota Vikings.
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Kai Lee-Jenner
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