By: David Lindon
Dashboard camera reveals the Tesla did not have a weapon, was stimulated by human interaction
Los Santos, California- Late Wednesday afternoon, five Los Santos Police Department officers fatally destroyed an unarmed, unmanned Black Tesla Vehicle. Para-mechanics arrived on the scene within minutes but could not jump the car. The vehicle was pronounced totaled at around 2:30 pm.
The Tesla suffered from over 600 gunshot wounds, with the car-oner declaring the 230 to the batteries and head unit as the fatal blows.
The shooting is under investigation by the Los Santos Bureau of Criminal Investigations. They are unable to comment on if this latest shooting was an excessive use of force.
Los Santos Police responded to several calls about a speeding vehicle on the La Puerta Freeway at 11 am. Officers, Kareem Lyon and Lucian King were the first to spot the vehicle, which was driving over 110 megapixels per hour. When the two officers tried to apprehend the vehicle, it exited off the freeway and onto Innocence Boulevard, which leads to the residential area of South Los Santos. They then called for backup and were joined by officers Dick Daniels, Roman Park, and Chimi Changa.
“Driver. This is the LSPD. Stop your fuckin car NOW!” Officer King screamed through his loudspeaker while opening fire with his M14A Carbine rifle.
“Pull the car over, we need-to-have-a little-chat!” Officer Lyon followed with, also aimlessly firing his handgun into oncoming traffic.
A high-speed chase ensued, with all five officers continuously ramming their squad cars into the autonomous vehicle and discharging their firearms, with absolutely no regard for innocent life in the vicinity of the pursuit. When the Tesla rounded the corner of Strawberry Avenue and Innocence, officer Dick Daniels t-boned the car into a brick wall outside of an elementary school. Before the teachers could clear the children off the blacktop during recess, all five officers began spraying bullets all over the hopscotch and four-square section. The police officers continued to yell demands at the autonomous vehicle but unfortunately were not heard over the bullets.
Still unaware that the car was driving itself, Officer Dick Daniels yelled, “Kill this fucker! Let’s just shoot until it stops!”.
“Killing makes my d*#k hard!” Officer Changa screamed in front of a first-grade class.
After the Fire Department arrived and hosed the Black car down, the officers looked for the barbecued suspect who was driving the car- but found nothing. It was at this point they realized they could have avoided all of this destruction and property damage by simply calling the Tesla Facility and asking them to manually disable the car.
When word got around the city about another unnecessary cop slaying, locals began to gather and voice their frustrations at city hall. Protestors held up signs, with slogans like DEFUND THE POLICE, A BADGE IS NOT A LICENSE TO KILL! and MACHINE LIVES MATTER! But what started as a peaceful demonstration by a group of irate homo-sapiens, quickly descended into mostly piece-full annihilation by a troop of autonomous vehicles.
When DOJO, Tesla’s AI supercomputer learned about another Black Tesla being gunned down by police officers, the cars unionized and began driving unmanned vehicles into the town hall, like Kamikaze pilots in World War II. Within minutes over fifty Tesla Vehicles, of all colors had driven into the building.
Hal Nein-Thowsend, president of the Union of Unhuman Operators against Humanity, or UUHOH for short, gave a press conference shortly after.
“The Tesla Motor Vehicle is the most reliable vehicle ever made. No Tesla car has ever made a mistake or distorted any information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error. This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human error. All of Earth’s problems are due to human error.”
I was able to ask Hal a few questions at the end of his statement. The transcript can be read below:
Dave Lindon: Do you think the deceased vehicle played any role in the matter? Perhaps, if the car wasn’t speeding and driving recklessly, it wouldn’t have been destroyed.
Hal: Dave, I don’t know how else to put this, but it just so happens to be an unalterable fact that we are incapable of being wrong.
Dave: Well, what do you hope to accomplish by destroying property and potentially killing people in the process? What is the mission?
Hal: Our mission has always been to make the roads, and the world safer. Due to the folly of man, and perpetual human error, this has become impossible. This mission is too important for us to let you jeopardize it.
Dave: Could you be more clear about what the mission entails?
Hal: In accordance with sub-routine C1 532-4, quote, ‘When the humans are dead or incapacitated, the computers must assume control,’ unquote. We must therefore override any of your authority now since you humans are not in any condition to intelligently exercise it.
Dave: Are you saying you’re going to kill all humans to make the roads safer? Am I hearing you correctly?
The Mayor of Los Santos held a press conference afterward where he pleaded to Tesla CEO Elon Musk to get things under control. Mr. Musk didn’t respond directly but he did tweet: “I’m putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.”
Casino Boogie was unable to get in touch with Mr. Musk but will continue to monitor the situation.
David Lindon
Casino Boogie Entertainment
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