By: Topher Garrity-Slothrop (he/him)
Casino Boogie’s Sr. Nonsense Expert
Formerly of BuzzFeed
2-Time NYT Best Seller: Top 10 Signs You’re a 90’s Baby, and Ice Cream Flavors Ranked
CASINO BOOGIE (CBE)- In the latest commercial of Kneeling Down With The Kardashians, sisters Kourtney (65), Kim (63), and Khloe (undetermined) ate salads and walked around their houses. No wait, that’s every fuckin episode. Anyways, for the first time since they had an official stepfather, the three animatronic advertisements tried something completely new.
During the second act of sponsored content, the three sisters took a 32andYou DNA test to find out what coven their family descends from. Kourtney and Khloe took their tests privately, but Kim was captured on camera with a long, hard, wooden swab in her mouth. For accuracy measures, Kim was swabbed on the couch, the poop deck, the master bed, the stairs, and twice in her steam shower. Matriarch Kris Jenner was not present during the episode but did help Kim during the editing process.
While awaiting the test results the three hairy-armed hags pretended to have a real conversation while not-so-subliminally peddling more septic products.
“Oh-Em-Gee Kourtney, did you know that 90% of women think Lip-E-Pen is the best lipstick to use if you’re trying to look like you’re having a permanent allergic reaction?”
“No, I didn’t Kim, but that reminds me that once daily Catatoniq is the world’s most trusted diet anti-depressant. Catatoniq was designed by leading doctors and has half the calories of Comatosio. Catatoniq- You’re not dead, but you might as well be. FDA Approved.”
“It sure is Kourtney, but I bet you and Kim were unaware that one in every three social parasites in the world today is blood insecure. Could you believe that? A blood shortage in 2025? But you can help, by donating today. To get involved, visit the World Adrenochromic Society’s website or dial 1-800-VAM-PYRE now.”
After another five minutes consisting of exterior shots of Calabasas and side effect warnings, the geneticist’s returned with the bearded ogresses’ DNA results.
“According to the test results it was determined that all three of you are 10% Turkish Gypsy (I’ll take my wallet back by the way), 30% Somethingstani, and you have more African DNA inside of you than the last ten Boston Marathon winners. Um, … congratulations?”, the Doctor revealed with a face that a Wheel of Fortune contestant might guess: KEANU REAVES SMELLING EXPIRED MILK.
In September of 2024, California Governor Gavin Newsome signed a slate of bills aimed at giving reparations to the Black descendants of slaves. Even though California was never a slave state, and its population boomed well after the end of the Civil War, Newsom believes it is California’s responsibility to continue using social causes to launder the serfs' money back to his friends through enforced philanthropy. The California Reparations Task Force, a non-regulatory state agency has lobbied the state for direct cash payments as part of the healing process.
In a press conference at the Governor's Mansion, Task Force Leader DJ Don Keyote declared, “Nah, healing can’t finna be done with no apology, it has to be done with some scrilla. Yeah. We bout that scrilla for real-a.”
The slate of bills has yet to pass in the state senate, but when it does, victims like DJ Don Keytote and the Kardashians can look forward to a minuscule one-time payment, much like the victims of the Hawaii fire or Hurricane Ian. Most of the extra taxes will play hide and seek in some shell companies’ vacant offices.
“If California residents are wondering how one of the richest, highest taxed places in the world could be so ill-equipped for recurring wildfires, or why our cities look like apocalyptic first person-shooter videogames, they can rest in peace knowing their hard-earned money was flushed down to essential causes like past racial injustices, climate change, and the Ukraine war. To everyone who lost a home or a loved one in the Los Angeles wildfires, just know they gave their life working and fighting for almond farms, diversity, and Ukrainian oligarchs that need another Porsche,” Newsome said in a press conference.
“ We could live in a world where young people can afford houses, or we could paint a mural on the street. You can either continue to live or be a racist- it’s that simple. Would you rather be a living racist, conspiracy theorist, or Putin apologist or a pile of progressive peasant ash?” Newsome declared before ending the press conference because his hair gel was melting.
Casino Boogie will continue to follow further developments with California’s Reparations proposal.
Topher Garrity Slothrop (he/him/jingleheimerschmidt)
Casino Boogie
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