By: Ace Parker
“Born on the battlefield, back on the battlefield”
An excerpt from Volume One of Casino Boogie Magazine, Tricks & Treats, available October 31st, 2021.
America- In 1941, the very first Jeep SUVs rolled off the assembly line and were immediately drafted into the United States Army. They would forever be known for aiding the war effort in World War II. To celebrate its 80th anniversary this year, Jeep is returning to its militaristic roots. Now, they are helping to fight against the newest threat to American citizens. White Conservative American Citizens.
According to Christian Meunier, the Jeep brand’s chief executive, Jeep will be discontinuing their seatbelt alarms on all new makes and models, with the exclusion of the Jeeps being made for the military, and in Europe. “Our research has shown that the overwhelming majority of our commercial buyers are rural, white, conservatives males. We will not be responsible for the safety of these people anymore. Donald Trump was the worst thing that happened to the history of this country. If we can prevent the next one from surviving a car wreck, we’ve done our part to protect the institution of democracy.”
In its 80 years of existence, and 75 years of commercial sales, Jeep has been held by a steady succession of owners. It is now a part of Stellantis, a multinational European conglomerate, and still holds a firm grip on the off-road market. While Jeep isn’t that popular in Europe, or in any metropolitan area of the world, it still has a fervent fanbase in rural America.
“After reviewing the 2020 Presidential Election voting map, and cross-referencing it with our dealership locations we came to a shocking realization. Due to the systematically racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic law known as supply and demand, over 70% of our domestic dealerships are in non-metropolitan, red areas of the country. If we didn’t have a responsibility to our shareholders we would remove our dealerships from these areas. At the very least we could stop protecting these people from potentially crippling and or fatal accidents,” Meunier said.
The goal, according to Meunier, is simple: “make the Jeep less safe for people who vote for the Republican party.”
“Legally, we cannot make our cars without seatbelts, but we can stop alerting these fat, uneducated honkies that they’re not buckled up. ”
Jeep owners--who have grown to consider the “Go Anywhere, Do Anything” slogan as a way of life, not just words in a commercial, will hopefully grow to appreciate Jeep’s new slogan: Drive Fast, Take Chances.
The new slogan is part of a brand new aggressive marketing plan Jeep will be unveiling starting in 2022.
“The first thing we’re going to do is have Michael Bay direct all of our commercials in the coming year. Mr. Bay isn’t a talented man. He knows nothing about character development, themes, motifs, and overall narrative structure, but he sure knows how to wreck millions of dollars of property and cars. We’re hoping that his “art” can influence these people to do the same. Secondly, we’re pairing Mr. Bay with our new spokesperson Dr. Vin Diesel of the world-renowned, critically acclaimed, Fast and The Furious franchise. Dr. Vin Diesel is also an unskilled moron, so he should be able to communicate with these mouth-breathing crackers. We’re hoping Dr. Diesel can do for us what Mr. Mcconaghey does for people too cheap to buy a Lexus,” Meunier proclaimed.
“It’s about knowing your target demographic. We’re currently in talks with Steve-O from The Jackass Empire about being our social media spokesperson as well.”
Jeep is also proud to announce that they will be unveiling a brand new electric series, which will include seatbelt alarms, and will only be sold to urban elites. The brand new E-Jeep series will have a completely different design from the other Jeeps.
“Everyone remembers the Toyota Prius and Chevy Bolt fiasco. Apparently green people only want to be green if other green people notice how green they are. It was shocking to find out that people who want to help the environment only want to help the environment if other people notice that they are morally better than truck drivers. So we’re making sure to make our E-Jeeps look as stupid as possible. It’s going to be hard to top the Prius. All we can do is try,” Meunier affirmed.
The Prius vs the Chevy bolt fiasco refers to what happened upon their initial releases. They were both the first electric cars on the market. The Chevy Bolt actually had the better emissions, impact on the environment, and battery life of the two, but it had the misfortune of looking like a regular gas-powered car, and so it didn’t sell as well as the Prius. Market research showed the people who drive electric cars want people to know they’re driving an electric car, and the environment meant little to nothing. Apparently, when it comes to helping the environment, it’s more about the theater than the cause.
“We do not want what happened to Chevy to happen to us, so we’re currently having a team of eight-year-old children (in China where agist child labor laws don’t exist) design our E-Jeep series. It’s the first time blueprints have ever been drawn in crayon, or with finger paint, so we’re also breaking ground on that,” Meunier continued.
Concluding his PSA, Meunier continued, “2022 is going to be an incredible year for Jeep. We believe we’re going to set a trend that ripples throughout all of the motor vehicle community. I think by 2023 you’ll see a lot more companies, not only motor vehicles companies, making their products less safe for white conservatives. It is also our responsibility as an industry leader to lead the charge in the electric SUV market. Electric car drivers can rest assured that we will manufacture the most ridiculous-looking, marginally effective green SUVs, so you can tell everyone at Starbucks how much better you are than somebody who drives a diesel truck to help global commerce continue to flourish. Thank you for your time, and remember, if you’re a white conservative male- Drive Fast! Take Chances! If you’re an urbanite remember- You’re better than the truck driver who brought the food to your city!”
Ace Parker
Casino Boogie Entertainment
Casino Boogie Magazine, Vol. 1, Tricks & Treats
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