Hundreds arrested, dozens of teenage copulations thwarted by Australia's Operation Incel

Hundreds arrested, teenage copulations thwarted during Australia lockdown protests

By: Ellen Fuller

Authorities in Australia say more than 250 people were arrested, and over 100 teenagers were fined for not wearing masks while trying to fornicate other citizens outside of the home.

SYDNEY- “We’ve got two teenagers fumbling through foreplay on Mucca Beach.” Royal Australian Air Force Commander Russell Deadwood informs ground troops as they search and destroy budding hormones in Melbourne.

At least four Royal Officers suffered injuries to their egos hurt as a result of protests, which ranged from backseat bra-snapping in Perth to heinous crimes like stinkfingering in the capital city of Canberra. Authorities report the largest protests were found in Sydney, where many young people organized by sending each other cryptic eggplant and raindrop emoticons.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison called Operation Incel a sweeping success.

“I want to personally thank our armed forces and police for stopping so many young people from experiencing the beauty of life and young love. “They might think they can hide under the rocks of Anal Point, and in the dunes of the Broken Haemon Shore; but we will find you, and relegate you to a locked bathroom.”

Government officials estimate that over 800 million dollars of taxpayer money will be spent after Operation Incel is finished. All of these desperate measures were constructed by the Prime Minister and his staff, as Australia saw a rapid increase in Covid deaths, most notably jumping from 0 a day in August 1921, to almost three a day in August 2021.

Australian Head of Medicine Tony Fauco held a press conference Friday afternoon where he voiced his concerns on the matter. “It is physically impossible for young people to copulate without wearing a mask, and young people have to know that they too can die from Covid. I know a lot of young people’s hormones are raging, and that rage technically keeps the species moving forward- but as a public health official for over 25 workdays, I am going to recommend virtual remedies to physical problems.” Dr. Fauco is personally recommending “Skype Sex”, which is a practice of watching two-dimensional versions of your partners stroking, or clawing their respective genitalia. Skype Sex is a practice first brought into the public whispering eye by renowned American journalist Jeffery Toobin.

Only about 26% of the Australian population is fully vaccinated from Covid, roughly half of the percentage of fully vaccinated Americans. According to a study conducted by The South Wales Department of Impotence, Sydney saw about 800 new daily infections of Covid this week to go along with 4 deaths. In other news, The Greater Sydney Police Force reported over 1000 red lights run, and 8 deaths from automobile accidents in the same week. “Our data showed multiple incidents of vehicular fellatio, and thanks to our CCTV surveillance camera, we’re currently working on arresting these despicable criminals,’ Gloria Ironbox of the SWDI stated in a phone interview. “Just because young people are vital and fertile doesn’t give them the right to affect the barren and impotent.”

Protestors say the lockdowns should end, but authorities say the lockdowns are necessary to suppress natural human instincts. Anita Hardon, a 50-year-old health official said that consummation itself is a public health crisis. “If more young people are fornicating, chances are more children will be born, and the more people- the more infections. We simply can not have people sneaking out of their parent’s homes seeking heat from the opposite sex. If I can withstand massaging my husband’s privates for the last 20 years of marriage, young people should be able to withstand at least the next decade of sexlessness.”

The most violent of clashes between officials and the horndogs happened behind a middle school gymnasium in Queensland, where authorities were forced to use pepper spray on the young and the topless.

Not all of Operation Incel has been a success though. Prime Minister Morrison said he and his crew are searching through weeks of CCTV surveillance cameras trying to catch young people with their pants around their ankles. “I’ve personally have watched over two full days of topless blonde criminals.” PM Morrison is encouraging other citizens to report any misconduct, no matter how large or small the incident. “Whether it’s an over the jean fondle, or penetration- It is a public health infraction and must be stopped.”

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Ellen Fuller

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