By: Greg The Angry-Gay Intern
CASINO BOOGIE- (CBE) Jason Voorhes. Michael Myers. James Corden. Michael Moore. Two of them are creepy monsters. The others are fictional characters from horror movies. But what is one thing they all have in common?
No person, whether alive today or deceased yesterday, has ever seen them running!
Regardless of whether a feeble jog or meager trot would benefit their health or quest to kill ridiculously horny teenagers in the woods, these men have not displayed the ability to do so.
Whether they’re singing in a car, slashing on a screen, or living a COMPLETELY sedentary lifestyle as a documentary filmmaker, there has never been a witness to ANY SORT OF FITNESS.
No matter how many times we yell at the screen, “Run, you fat pussy!” or “She’s getting away Voorhees!”, the men stay strolling.
But could these be connected? Do we need to keep a closer eye on society’s sloths? We met with Casino Boogie’s Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Hugh JeCocc, to discuss.
“Medical research in this field is relatively new, and data is limited. We still don’t know why Mr. Myers or Voorhees could not run. At first, I thought it might have been in the script, but that was too easy and also inapplicable to our portly control group. My current hypothesis is they might suffer from abnormal gait, which could lead to them running like little nancyboys. This is why I believe Mr. Moore and Corden avoid treadmills. I mean, why else would grown men look like a piece of Hubba Bubba on a subway guardrail? It is in my estimation that the guilt and shame of having the mobility of a pregnant housecat could lead to murderous ways in homo-sapien males.”
Dr. JeCocc went on to state that he ran two weeks of Junior Varsity track in high school, and if-so-facto, that makes him a STAUNCH heterosexual.
“Listen, nobody saw Jeffery Dahmer run, is that a coincidence? How about John Wayne Gacy? He looks like he couldn’t run to anything but the buffet line. I’ve had my eye on Jonah Hill and John Goodman for as long as I can remember.”
Casino Boogie will continue to track the results of Dr. Hugh JeCocc’s study.
Casino Boogie Entertainment
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