By: Ellen Fuller
“He didn’t steal those bases. It’s time to correct the racial injustices of our past.”
WASHINGTON D.C. - BLACK SLIDES MATTER
According to Major League Baseball historical records, Jackie Robinson, the first afro-marginalized person of pigment to play professional baseball, “stole” 197 bases in his ten-year career. From 1947 until 1956, Jackie Robinson “stole” roughly 6% of all the bases in the National League. Due to the racist policies of pitcher pick-offs, pickles, and catchers with good arms, the heroic Jackie Robinson was also “caught” “stealing” 76 times during this time by White Supremacists.
“These statistics are part of a cycle of injustice, and we must fight now to break that cycle,” President Biden exclaimed during a press conference. “Jackie Robinson was a great American hero. He was probably the first mainstream Afro-marginalized American person of pigment, who was articulate, bright, clean, and nice-looking. To paint him as a dirty base-stealer is an attempt to ruin that. Allowing such statistics, or stories to continue to permeate society is reckless, negligent, and hurtful. It is my objective to overturn and erase these injustices from the history books.”
President Biden, along with Vice President Kamala Harris, the first afro-marginalized East Indian person with a vulva to hold that post, is working with the Department of Justice to rid our history books of anything with trickle-down racism. In 2021, they were successful in banning several racist books, including Harper Lee’s Pulitzer Prize-winning To Kill A Mockingbird, a disgusting novel with racial language and a white savior, written by a white privileged woman (woman is an archaic term for a person with a menstrual cycle near their pelvic region). Attorney General Merrick Garland, who in his first year was widely successful at putting hundreds of anti-Critical Race Theory (which doesn’t exist) parents on the FBI’s most-wanted list will also be heavily involved.
“There is no proof Jackie stole those bases, and even if there was a standard Major League base is valued at under $1000, so it wouldn’t have been a felony, and Jackie would have been free to take those bases without official permission and still make the second game of a doubleheader. Taking something without permission is not stealing, it’s surviving. Even if the object is something that doesn’t sustain life in any way, ” Vice President Harris said in a lengthy, hard-hitting scripted interview with MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, who recently won the coveted “Best GI Jane haircut in news media” award as voted by her peers.
After the completely Covid friendly and peaceful George Floyd protests of 2020, Kamala Harris was heavily involved in bailing accused pyro-enthusiasts and demolition-prone individuals out of jail. “She was so fearless in this capacity. She knew how important these people were to future city-wide bonfires and nothing was going to stop her. I’m not sure without her that any of these activists would have gotten out of jail within hours to continue their activism, ” CNN’s Don Lemon said on-air in 2020. When asked about overturning Jackie Robinson’s stolen bases Mr. Lemon stated that he has the utmost confidence in her ability to take on such tasks.
A fiery exchange happened between Press Secretary Jen “Scratchy” Psaki and known Nazi (fact check true, don’t bother) and Fox News contributor Peter “Doo” Doocy. Doocy asked Psaki, “What did The President mean when he said, I’m a Scatman. Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop?”
“What The President said was, for one person to be accused of stealing 6% of all bases stolen in his playing career is further proof of America’s history of systemic racism. They accuse Mr. Robinson of stealing this many bases but never looked at the systems that created this disparity. What the Republicans and Major League Baseball want to say is Jackie stole those bases because he was a smart baseball player, and very fast, but what they’re neglecting to talk about is the economic inequalities that produce such behavior,” Scratchy clarified with her signature Great White Shark/dead doll stare.
Major League Baseball, which is currently involved in a collective bargaining lockout and unable to comment, has been the subject of controversies almost involving race in the recent past. Just in 2021 President Biden and his team were successful in moving the All-Star game out of Atlanta, Georgia, a known hub for White Supremacists, due to Georgia’s new voting laws that implemented Jim Crow tactics like requiring photo ID to vote. “If we’re going to implement such laws like needing an ID to vote, what’s next? Requiring some form of ID to enter restaurants, gyms, and supermarkets? It’s racism! Good old-fashioned racism. Republicans know how hard it is for afro-marginalized people to obtain driver’s licenses, and they’re using it to kill democracy! Imagine how disheartened the afro-marginalized people are going to feel when they hear their President speak an unpleasant truth like they don’t have the ability to obtain a driver’s license. This is what Republicans are doing. You don’t see Democrat cities implementing such legislation about anything, let alone your sacred right to vote!” President Biden said as he slammed his fists on his highchair, almost knocking off his bib in the process.
The MLB All-Star game was then moved to Colorado, which doesn’t require ID to vote, and only requires official government-issued photo verified labeling cards, like driver’s licenses to vote. The United States is currently in the process of sending its athletes to China to compete in the Winter Olympic Games, where there are no threats to democratic institutions like voting.
“The bottom line is our systems, and our culture needs repair. If we’re going to allow children to grow up in a world that thinks Jackie Robinson stole bases on a baseball field, we are doomed. Jackie Robinson did not steal bases. It’s time to correct the racial injustices of the past in real-time. If this doesn’t end, and end soon, Republicans are going to put y’all back in chains,” President Biden solemnly whispered in closing.
Ellen Fuller
Casino Boogie Entertainment
Spectacular piece, well written